I miss butches so much.

I am only just now beginning to emerge back into the world after so long just outside of it. I have not been intimate with anyone in four years. I haven’t wanted to be. the last time was with someone who was abusing me – a trans man I was manipulated into a relationship with. but as I heal and reconnect with my own desire again, I find myself aching to be desired.

and aching to be intimate with a butch again. I miss them. everything about them. how it feels to put my arms around them and be held. how the materials they wear are always so soft and warm and just good to feel against you. how they smell. their smiles and their eyes when they’re looking just at you and oh god, their fucking hands. butch hands. heaven on your skin. nails trimmed to the quick, calloused palms, strong and gentle. I miss being able to sit back and admire them, just study every detail of their profile, touch their jaws, and cheeks and lips. I miss the leather of a butch’s boots. I miss how they’re so tough out in the world but so tender when we’re alone. I miss being trusted with a butch’s secrets. I miss rubbing their shoulders and neck and head and feet. and yes I miss how they look when my lipstick is smeared across their mouth.  I miss so much more than I could ever say.

and lately, so badly I miss being wanted by them. it has been so long since I have been alone and vulnerable with a butch. so long since one has looked at me with open desire, open lust. I pass through the world unseen. the gaze of men is nothing to me but an invasion I loathe. I long only for the way a butch looks at me when they want me. when they’re ready to take me. I want to know a butch finds me sexy and beautiful. then I begin to believe it.

I want us so close together, our breath mingling, her hands warm and hungry on me. undressing me tenderly, laying me back against the pillows, kissing my soft skin as she bares it. I want to feel treasured and appreciated, adored yes, even that. it’s been so long since I felt that way. since I felt truly beautiful in the eyes of my own desire. I want my femness admired and valued for what it is – the way I do my hair, my makeup and nails, my lingerie oh yes, all that sure… but more, what I am beneath all that. my femness honoured and loved by butches, in the way that only butches can. that’s when I feel really hot. when I can see and feel that everything about me is driving her wild with lust. the way I kiss and bite my lip, the way I put my arms around her and submit to her embrace. the way I let her take the lead, trusting her. the softness of my skin and my hour-glass figure: the full perfection of my breasts, the curve of my hips, the roundness of my ass. I want her to get off on the journey of discovering everything that gets me off. I want to be adored between my thighs, where I am softest of all. I want to be appreciated for all the things I am the way I appreciate all the things butches are. I want to look at her face while we fuck and know she thinks right then I am the hottest damn thing in the world, because I am fem. I want to be everything she wants. I want to be licked and kissed and nipped all over. I want to be fondled and groped with greedy, sometimes rough hands. I want to be pushed down, my legs shoved apart, her mouth and tongue and lips making me cum over and over. I want her to fuck me with her cock until she cums over and over,  watching the way it pumps in and out of me, her butch cock for both our pleasure. I want her to be insatiable for me. I want to know what it is to be an object of desire again to those I desire most. it has been so long. it has been too long.

god, I miss butches so much.

 

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